A New Years Resolution Because of One's Life

What's your New Years Resolution? Maybe this will give some people something to think about.

I share this with you in honor of the one year anniversary of a life changing event of mine.

Written:

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

I knew he was gone when... Man Life is so Precious.

My Dad said over the phone that he got the book back...
I knew instantly that it was over. My brother had passed...

It was 1:40 pm and my mom had just gotten off the phone with my dad. Life is short and so precious. They say before you die you have all these flash backs. Well I agree that's possible, but when a loved one dies you also have flash backs of them and their time spent with you. I had one actually...a million of them that brought me back to when I was small, we had moments of opposing views. He was the older brother that didn't want me to be exposed to bad things coming from elsewhere. Love scenes in soap operas was my first memory of him trying to shield me from this world. I got him in trouble after he told me that watching love scenes on tv was dirty...by telling me not to watch that stuff. So what did I do? I told my dad that he was being difficult, and my dad not knowing the whole truth told him to stop being overprotective and to leave me alone. Then I looked over to look at him and say Hah! for getting my way...I was a brat.

I also had other flashbacks. All those times ended with him smoking like crazy just looking down at the ground. I hated the way he smelled like cigarettes... yuck.. I vowed I'd never smoke. And to this day I never have smoked cigarettes. Thanks to him. Not that he was born to do it so that I wouldn't but it doesn't hurt to think that he was worth alot. I learned alot from what he did. I learned....what not to do. He would say the most unexpected things at times that could make your appetite just roll over and wanna hurl. The last time I argued with him was in the kitchen. It was over something I couldn't stand to hear because it was so soooooooo unappropriate. I told him to shut up and that this was it and I have taken his shit since I was little. He was shocked...and he demanded respect because he was my older brother. I said I don't give a fuck.

I know I'm leaving out some parts. Reason is because this is a note to myself. Writing is theraputic to me and it's good to know where you've been and where you're going. I can't deny the past. But I can keep somethings in my mind and in my heart.

Anyway, we didn't talk for awhile and then he disappeared....for like 3 months! The next thing you know, my dad was in contact with him and he had found that he was sick.

News came that he had lung cancer. I wasn't surprised, but I was. He was a chain smoker. Smoked So much. But when he was well, I was always surprised at his tolerance and thought he was invincible despite his self-inferno-ing habit. But I guess no one is, it gets to you one day or another. So not too long ago...I went to visit him at the hospital with a book on the Preparation for Dying with a Buddhist Philosophy thanks to my friend matt. I read it for two days before giving it to him and it was a really great read. Very insightful and realistic. People view death as a taboo subject but it always happening as birth is.

That Sunday morning I saw him for the first time. In a long time at the hospital. He was in a gown with his gym shoes on. My big brother. It was ironic that I was now bigger than him.

He was so skinny. I still felt like his baby sister of course. Even though we don't have the same mom, I was closer to him than his real sisters and his real brother, ironically.

He didn't know but I gave him the book because I knew death was inevitable and near for him. It was so he could read the mantras so that when his soul was going to another life it would be saved from returning as something lower than the human form. For those of you Buddhists you know what I mean...for those of you Spiritualists you also know what I mean. I didn't want him to know that this was for when he died. But I practiced the mantras with him over and over and told him to repeat it and to also read the book. He was a very smart person. He's what you would call on the borderline of Genius. Some people that are really smart, are just not capable of being normal if you know what that means. I know he read that book almost entirely. I also gave him something like a charm. Sorry matt but I couldn't take that from my brother. I'll get you another. Hope you're not attached to that. If anything I'll buy you another book with that charm. I just can't. He's never had the best of things and when I gave him that to wear I just wanted to cry because that is the first thing I remember giving him that was worth alot to him. I'm so sorry. I can't. It's for him and I want to thank you so much for giving it to me generously to borrow and now I don't have the heart to take it back. You'll definitely get the book back....the charm though I can't do it.

That Sunday before my father and I arrived, we had eaten at a Thai Restaurant and asked him what he wanted. He wanted "goy chup" this Thai dish with lots of hot dried chili peppers. So we gave it to him to eat. I was like are you sure you can eat this in here cuz ethnic food has it's own aroma (he had 2 other bed roommates) he was like "I don't give a fuck" laughing...he was so happy to have such good food after being fed through the IV. He was eating and trying to share with my dad and me. He was so generous with the little he had. After he ate I went to get him comfy slippers which he loved..cuz they're built in with socks. Hehe...I felt good taking care of him. He got off the bed with the tubes still connected to his air supply and went over to our dad who was sleeping (I was surprised the tubes reached that far) and he asked our father "dad would you like to sleep in my bed?" I was like "stop!!! no....are you silly? don't worry!" he said, "Anne shh.." he continued, "Dad would you like to sleep here Sir?" I was like "what the f**k?" Anyway after my dad said "thanks son but no thanks, " we just sat on his bed while my dad had his eyes closed probably eaves dropping on his two children really speaking civilized for the first time. I asked him about everything from the ring on his finger to why he had scars on his back. He told me he didnt' know he just woke up like that. I think that was from chemotherapy.

Then the question that really bugged me came. I asked him "what drugs besides cigarettes he have you done?" He refused to tell me saying" don't even worry about that shit that shit's not worth knowing. It was the worst." I told him not to worry and that I knew it was bad and the only time I really smoked up was in Paris for the 'once in a life time moment puffs.' He finally told me after I told him I wanted to know for a good cause.

So I could tell people the recipe for death. Meaning how much of what he did that got him this way. Sounds rude but it's not. This is real. He told me he had done heroine, cocaine, a couple of times but weed and cigarettes daily. Weed he emphasized was the most. I asked him why? He told me cuz it was around in his teen years...and it was for the sensation. Anyway after smoking weed for so long he basically stuck to the cigarettes. I was like thank you for being honest. This is all I wanted to know.

Another thing i wanted to ask him was if he ever saw ghosts and he said no. I don't know I ask weird spontaneous things..I'm a weird spontaneous person always was always will be. Oh maybe because of the fact that this guy, my bro will not be scared to walk anywhere. We live in this small town and when greyhound wasn't available and he wanted to leave to go to Chicago, he WALKED...past cemetaries and to the highway... I heard this many times from my dad but finally got the end of the story from him. He told me yeah he walked through the cemetaries but he walked back to get a greyhound stop early the next morning after waiting in a diner for 3 hours of the night. I guess he wasn't that insane to walk 60 miles to Chicago, hah. That's why I guess I asked if ever saw a ghost because he would go places that are dark and you know.

After telling me the recipe for that, he said "don't ever do that! That shit got me this way." I finally saw a revelation. He understood he was in bad shape. Man...I still remember his eyes bright and beautiful as ever. I never saw them sparkle and excited that way. I guess when you really sit down and listen to someone you know doesn't have much time left, you start to embrace all their qualities.

Before leaving I told him "Anne Rak P' Eat na..."

I told him I loved him for the first time. I even hugged him. I didn't get a reaction back. That's because we never hugged. He never hugged. Thai people usually just do not hug. He was probably like "what? is this......?" Anyway I left the room and then remembered something so I came back saying "don't forget to read that book. I didn't bring that for you to leave it on the table okay?" He smiled and said "Okay...Anne thank you... :)" I felt content this precious time was spent with him but it took all these years of my life. I had waited this long to be cool with him vice versa too. But it wasn't always my fault. He was confined in a hospital so he couldn't act out and be talking his crazy ways and smoking his lungs out and and before I didn't want to be around him while h was puffing second hand smoke.

So finally, this writing is for me and to whomever it may concern.

This is also for you as a true case of "weed and smoking does cause lung cancer." Those of you who oppose, keep your comments to yourself. You keep doing what you believe is right. This is for me to share with people who listen. You cannot change the past but you can make new choices for the future.

Peace and Love for All Good People and Earth's Precious Beings,

Anne Pinita Meesriyong

In Loving Memory of My Brother

Piriya Meesriyong

April 4, 1960 - December 1, 2004

Posted: 3:16 a.m. EST November 28, 2005 by Anne Meesriyong