Barbie Dolls by an anonymous writter

Heights Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Wind star minivan. She gets lost easily west of Reservoir Road and has no full time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version. Optional matching tennis outfit.

Pine Bluff Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop. Then we don't know what you're talking about.

Chenal Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.

Levy Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's butt when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get its confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.

Pleasant Valley Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard-print ski outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains friends at the club. Percocet prescription available.

Hillcrest Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and arch less feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers that you call her "Willow."

Bryant Barbie: This doll comes complete with a built in voice recorder that plays "I'm not from Benton, I'm from Bryant." This doll is somewhat mysterious and doesn't fit in with Barbies from other cities. She is still attending her Narcotic Anonymous meetings to kick the cocaine habit she formed in high school. Comes complete with tattoo on her shoulderblade that peeks out over her tubetop and has the latest "Chronic" CD.

Benton Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Bryant Barbie's house. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: tape player equipped with Bon Jovi and a 1989 Camaro with T-Tops.

Haskell Barbie: This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white panty hose and a bad haircut. Comes with a boom box playing Kool and the Gang. Optional Brock-abrella available for days at the ballpark.

Southwest Little Rock Barbie-cucita : This Barbie comes in brown or black with fourteen interchangeable hair weaves, seven sets of multi-colored press on nails and hoop earrings. Complete with her 1985 Cutlass Supreme Limited in primer gray or speckled purple and spinner rims, and includes her mo-fo Kenneth, Big K Anderson, optional bling bling accessory kit. Barbie-cucita can come with 3 up to 7 children and gold teeth with the "Yo Momma" accessory kit.

Conway Barbie: Comes with either Chevy Tahoe Limited Edition or Toyota Camry with child seat, Stoby's cheese dip and a church of your denominational choosing bumper sticker. Wal-Mart Super center play set sold separately. Commuter Ken is stuck in traffic and will not be available until Fall 2005.

Maumelle Barbie: Comes with Mazda Miata or Toyota 4Runner, CAC window decal and a chip on her shoulder. Suburb Ken is included with golf clubs and Chevy truck. Psychotic private school children sold separately.

Edge Hill Barbie: Comes with 500 S Class Mercedes, Mikimoto Pearls and round trip airfare for herself a Dr. Ken to New York. Miniature Terrier comes attached to passenger seat. Botox and Collagen maintenance kit required. Currently the Edge Hill manner play set requires escrow service for purchase, credit check will apply.

Mayflower Barbie: Comes with doublewide trailer play set, 3 dogs, and a Polaroid of Kenny Ray who is currently serving 3-5 for Meth possession, drunk and disorderly, and urination on a government vehicle. 1985 Ford Taurus with no hubcaps sold separately.

Texas Transplant Barbie: This Barbie comes with a Ford SUV (with Texas plates), a knife to stab other Barbies in the back, and tons of makeup. Carnivore Ken sold separately...

Posted: 1:03 p.m. EST April 10, 2006 by me ts